Coming Full Circle

Throughout life, there are roads on which we walk that lead back to their own starting points. When we find that we’ve been on a long journey, learning how to become more fully human, typically when we’re hoping that we’ve reached the finish line, we find that we are actually back where we began.The concept of “coming full circle” is one that I am finding applicable to my life. Recently, I received a Facebook message from my friend Rudy, asking me to update him on life, call, etc. For most people, that might be an easy reply – just shoot off an email detailing the every day occurrences of life. I considered that, but Rudy’s email came at a time when I was already pondering what it is that my life is and is becoming.

The past few months have been dry ones for me. My prayer life has been minimal at best; I have wrestled with being in a job that is only a paycheck; and I have found myself wondering whether or not I’m following Jesus as closely as I have in the past, reflecting in my own life the good news of the Gospel. I’ve discovered at least one thing about the latter, and that is that God carries 99.9% of this thing we call a “relationship with Jesus.” What I’ve honestly been wrestling with is what my responsibility is in that .1%.

The full circle that I’m coming to complete is a journey of prayer. The humbling conclusion that I have to admit is that I have no idea how it works, but probably for the first time in my life, I’m not looking for a formula (mine or someone else’s). The other piece of this journey has to do with what is a “quiet time.” I have many musings on this one that could be another blog (and probably will be), but for now, the conclusion I’m coming to in regard to that is this: if Jesus took the time to get away with the Father, then that is good enough reasoning for me. I can leave the formulas in the desert.

I don’t know how any of it works, really. This conclusion is liberating. According to some very close friends of mine, the Western mind typically will bend over backwards to figure out the ins and outs of how what they do not understand works. For this particular part of life, which is, arguably, life itself, I am tired of bending over backwards. Somewhere on this journey, I forgot to revel in mystery. To simply sit in the Unknown and allow that to wash over me. Some would question my sanity if I know that my Creator was constantly inviting me to sit with him but I was neglecting to do so. Trust me, I’m pretty hard headed and can be a slow learner. But, like I said in a previous post, I’d rather hear the rebuke of God rather than the silence of God any day of the week. In God’s faithfulness, I believe God’s Spirit has shown me quite clearly that God is getting tired of my neglect. So, I’m trying to give up my striving and letting go of the mental gymnastics and formulas. Change is slow but happening.

As far as call goes, I’ve never had a definitive call theology. At best, my call theology is a consistent “left foot, right foot” response to Jesus’ “come and follow me.” Whether that’s on a roof in the dead of a Canadian winter, in the backroom of a warehouse, in a pulpit, or in the streets, as long as that response is constant and faithful, I’m not sure it really matters what I’m doing or where I find myself. However, for the first time since I was old enough to think about what I wanted to do as a career, I think I’ve pretty much narrowed that down. I want to work in inner cities, working with the poor, marginalized, and homeless, alongside others who are following Jesus. Hopefully with those who understand that our own poverty is mirrored in the tangible poverty of our fellow humans and that transformation can only truly come from a consistent encounter with the One who created us. If I can find a place to get paid to do that, that’s awesome. Then I can call that my career. If I don’t get paid to do it, well, I suppose I’ll just have to call that my life.

Thanks, Rudy, for the nudge to reflect and respond. I miss you and appreciate you and look forward to hearing from you soon. You owe me an update. Love you, bro.